Against the Internet

 It's too late. This kingdom is crumbling. We should take what few treasures we can carry and flee. The enemy isn't just at the gates--they're already inside. Our soldiers are abandoning their posts; many have disappeared; many have succumbed to the sickness that is eating this land from the inside out. We don't have long before this place is a wasteland and we have to be ready or we will lose everything.



I hear the internet used to be good. There were websites. People talked to one another and made friends. People shared recipes. I'm not sure what else they did, to be honest. I wasn't there. It's a hazy, mythic era full of vaguely-defined heroes; heroes which, as is usually the case with classic literature, don't always stand up to moral scrutiny. "Anonymous." Hackers. Dissidents in repressive states. Dissidents in free states. Perverts. All nebulously united in a grand experiment in personal freedom, the free exchange of information, and the creation of digital communities.

That has never been my experience. 

I'm going to stake out a radical position that I'll probably walk back, but until that time, I will believe fervently: the internet is a mistake, a bad thing built on a bad foundation, and a great deal of it is actively destroying the few good parts of it.

I'll start with the parts that you'll probably agree with, because you're reading this on the internet. I do like that I can read individual  people's work. "Blogs." A hideous word for the single best thing on the internet. I suppose for a lot of people they're "newsletters" now, which is less ugly but more pretentious; it also forces it to sound like a political thing. I don't want to get a "newsletter" from my favorite poet. My elementary school sent "newsletters."

I like to read, so I like being able to read lots and lots, and usually for free. That's nice. There are so many things I wouldn't have read if not for the internet. 

I also like, I think, being able to talk to other people I don't know in a mostly safe environment. That sounds specific because it is. I don't think anonymous chat sites are good ideas. I don't think most social media is a good idea. Ask me how many girls I know who have been groomed, stalked, harassed, blackmailed, or catfished online. I don't mean "got a nasty comment," either. I mean like actual adult men propositioning them; looking for their addresses; trying to break into their phones. Lately a lot of them have been put into AI and stripped. The AI doesn't seem to notice they're not 18; I guess you could just tell it they are.

I also like streaming music, though I live next to some of the best CD stores on this planet and have no intention to stop buying them. 

I think that's it. 

What, no Youtube?

No. That place is stupid. I don't like it. Skibidi doo away. 

But what about THIS video? It's a French artist's hand-drawn masterpiece! 

It's very impressive! Did you realize you're spending 14 hours a day on your phone? 

But this is how I learn about--

Shut up shut up shut up shut up

No, really, I learned how to unclog my drain-

Really, I believe you. Fine. Youtube is fine if you're using to unclog your drain or learn any other specific skill. Conservatively, what percentage of YT do you think that is? Did you ever notice there's a "Youtube Kids" and some kids spend hours a day staring at it? Did you ever notice these kids lose their minds when their tablet is taken away? Did you ever realize how scary that is? Did you know half my middle school couldn't read a paragraph without reaching for their phones?

Okay, what about Wikipedia?

I don't know. I don't use it that often. I have several actual encyclopedia and I live in a bookstore and I have a library card. 

But what if you have to look up the history of Guam?

I haven't had to. How often are you doing that? Or are you just flipping through pages, learning 1% of nothing, playing Reverse Trivial Pursuit at 11 AM?

What's Trivial Pursuit?

I played it a lot with my grandpa when he was in the hospital. I don't believe I literally ever got a question right. Most of the time I didn't even understand what it was asking. "Who played Porgie Bass in the 1945 BaseBall Film Man "Dog Dreamer Day?"'

Are you having an episode?

I don't think you need Wikipedia as much as you think. But sure, fine. It's probably the best thing on the internet. I do like knowledge. You can keep Wikipedia and YouTool. 

What else is there? Netflix? Eww. Lame. The only TV worth watching is reruns of SVU. Amazon? The evil company that's going to buy the sun? Meta? They're somehow even worse. ChatGPT? 

Don't say those words to me. ChatGPT, and the virus that animates it and all its sisters, are what's eating your world and reducing it to ruin. My hatred of the internet is powerless and impotent. I'm 5'2''. I don't like to use most websites but I can't keep them from you.

AI can. And will. It already is. It's turning everything to sludge. It's sucking up everything you write and everything everyone else writes and spitting out a slurry and there's nothing you can do to stop it. 

You're reaching a hysterical register. What are you talking about?

I haven't eaten in 24 hours. I'm getting angry. It's...probably not the internet's fault. It's probably fine. I might be getting irrational. This might not really be about the internet at all, or AI, or whatever I was trying to get at. 

Are you just bitter you deactived your TT?

I HAD A THOUSAND FOLLOWERS.

...


I'm going to post this because, at the very least, people deserve to see what I do when I'm cranky and it's 1 AM and I'm flopping around in bed and very very unhappy. I suppose it's exhibitionism?


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